{remix: human 9/19/08}

8 Feb


He listens to her talking and misses her so much, but no one else seems to be able to hear her beautiful voice anymore. He sees her sit down to eat beside him like always, but now they can’t see her. Why? Suddenly he begins to shake and can’t breathe. He’s scared. He can’t sleep at night because his mind is racing with thoughts much like the rest of us. He’s confused and dazed. Tormented by the memories he cannot forget. He opens his mouth to speak of this prison he lives in, because he just needs someone to CARE. So we label him with “psychosis” and plant him deep in the corner of a psychiatric ward. We confirm the lies and reinforce his great fear, assure him that he’s lost and confused. And then we medicate his pain. Physical: Vicodin. Emotional: Xanax. Spiritual: deprivation. We need him to be quiet and shut it out like the rest of us. Pretend it doesn’t exist. “Shhh, you’re scaring us. You’re shaking the very sand we’ve built our castles on. Shhh, don’t remind us that we are broken and deeply devastated and incredibly in need of a Divine Intervention. Shhh…” we beg him. We drown him out, as he lays on that hospital bed crying tears of blood because he just has no idea. No clue. No one to look out for him and keep the needles from injecting their “solutions”, and no one to hold him when he wakes up crying at night. He’s only 24 and cannot even begin to process the horrifying idea of living this way until 70…80…90 years old.

Still. What if you walked a day in his shoes. What if the one gone missing was the person that makes your heart beat. What if you could still hear the things they used to say, even while everyone else turned to forget. What if you saw traces of their presence and decided to live in the past because the past is where your HEART is. What if everywhere you went, you told yourself they were watching over you, because forgetting them feels like betrayal.

If that’s schizophrenia, then WE ARE ALL SCHIZOPHRENIC.

And then we wonder why he takes a gun to his head, or why she slides a razor across her skin at night. We wonder “what would possess someone to behave so erratically”…but reality is, we GET IT. Deep down (so deep that most of us refuse to go there) the raw, untouchable ache in our HEART gets it. That’s not them, he or she. That’s me. That’s you. That’s us, and despite our false pretension, we’re terrible liars. But it’s really a good try…and if we all lie at the same time then we can pretend there’s no other Way. No one will even mention the fact that we are out of control and broken and those that do mention it, we will quickly label and throw in the whack pile to degenerate by themselves because OUR world only allows happy things. Answers. Solutions. Yes, even if they’re ridiculous, we want them anyways. Let’s all decide what perfection is and work to achieve it. We can do it! But no, it’s a good shot at a bad goal and it DOESN’T REALLY HELP AT ALL.






And that bothers you incredibly that I just did that…you read the last two words, and quickly thought “she’s so emotional to write a note like this”, probably judged me for not having a happy solution or a nifty bible verse to stamp on the end, like I SHOULD KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. But I don’t. Neither do you. And that scares us all. But still, you’ll read this…stare at the screen a bit in shock…and move on. This is real. And you’re broken too, regardless of what you think. And I have even more disturbing information…YOU will never know what to do about it. Because if the human race had the answer, we wouldn’t need a Savior, but we do. WE SO DO.


One Response to “{remix: human 9/19/08}”

  1. Lauren February 8, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

    It hurts me when I see people like this judged…because that is me. I have been at the bottom with no hope. I can’t judge somebody who is hurting so much. This is my personal mission to make one person at a time aware of what a mental illness feels like and that the person suffering from it needs our help and understanding. Thank you Rachael for making us uncomfortable.

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